make love not war, man

i'm not a violent person.
i was in one fight, once, way back in grade one.
i'm a lover, not a fighter, man.

but there have been two women in my life, people i have shared a work environment with, who have inspired thoughts of ultraviolence in me.

we'll call the first shmay shmitter.

shmay was.. shmay... articulated every letter. she was very precise. she was perfect. and everyone around her, hopeless fuck-ups. (as precisely outlined and formally communicated by her, anyway.)

when i started working for shmay, i may not have been in one of the more self-confident phases of my life. and as such, she rattled me. she rattled me deep and hard. ooh, that sounds kind of exciting actually - not intentional but whoa, freud would have a field day with that! anyway, onward.. i started to think maybe she was right and i was, suddenly, totally worthless at a job for which i had received glowing praise from 3 other supervisors in her exact position. and as i'm wont to do when i perceive i'm not doing something up to what i like to think are my high standards, i beat myself up pretty badly about it.

and then one day, i got the bestest email ever from a friend - a former colleague. totally - really, totally out of the blue (i don't even think she knew i had just started working for shmay), she wrote me telling me of the dream she'd had the night before. she said though it'd been months since she'd last even thought of her, shmay was in her dream, and in it she'd gone up to shmay and told her to FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!

heh

it was... a comfort of sorts to realize i wasn't alone. and through this, and the many other revelations from colleagues that crept out over the few months of hell i spent working for her, i learned that this woman was, indeed, evil. she really was. i mean, i can get along with just about anybody. but she... wow. i wanted to hurt her in ways i'm still trying to erase from my psyche... chuckle

and then funny thing - i was relating that story to my current coworker earlier today, she said "shmay shmitter??" in that say-no-more kind of way. my current coworker is a soft swaying gentle sighing kind of a girl. she likes people, and people like her. and the way she said shmay shmitter.. i heard something from her i wasn't used to hearing. something deep and dark. incredulous, i asked her how the hell she knew shmay shmitter! turns out she'd served shmay at the very hip jazz bar she worked in years ago. before leaving, shmay had left her card. once. years ago. that's how profound of an impression this woman has..

and now, i work with a younger version of her. she could be her apprentice.. gawd, i hope they never meet, it would be like.. like... who's a really evil duo? like.. hitler and mussolini. anyway. we'll call this one shmushmee. shmushmee is.. a fucking bitch. she... oh i don't know. it's still too close. i guess i can't talk about it yet. that way she has of talking, as if she knows everything when in fact the poor thing is too fucking dumb to realize how little she fucking knows and she should just shut the fuck up and listen for a fucking change. or you know, something like that. gosh.

breathe
love
love
breathe
joy

ahhhhh

thank you shmay shmitter and shmushmee for giving me the opportunity to learn more about myself. and to practice wave form cancellation.

: )